Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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