now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
