I'm lost and stupid without you.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
you will always have a special place in my vag
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
