he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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