just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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