I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
