Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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