he wants to bone in the snuggie
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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