I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
