Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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