Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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