dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
