I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
