i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
