I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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