I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
