the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
