On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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