he thought i was a dude.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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