So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
