I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
