Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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