I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
