I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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