My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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