in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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