don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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