Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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