stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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