So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
