I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
