new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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