paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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