Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
