i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
