Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Randomize
