Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
