weddingsv make me drug and hornr
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
