I CAN MOONWALK!
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
