my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
