no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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