do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
