We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
