she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
