I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
