She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
