I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
