Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
