Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
