at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
