Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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