Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
