If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
