Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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