I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
